White wine, Presidents' Day and Why I Was Detained

Sorry for the late post...Presidents Day always sets me back a day and I have been testing white wine instead of red, and I think it has screwed me up a bit...white wine is like that first awkward date where you are not quite comfortable...you really want to like him but something is just not right...then you realize you never want to see him again for no specific reason and you are going back to your first love of Cabernet...fuck you Chardonnay, you are like that creepy neighbor who is always nice and helpful...but we should all stay away from like monkeys with the Ebola Virus.
Ok, back to my story of being an international gate crasher (allegedly) ...after being in the UK several times last year (more on that later) I flew into Heathrow to see Aidan* for three months...I had no problem flying in and out of Mexico and Cyprus (more on that later), but for some reason my "all access" pass was denied on the morning of Feb 3rd...thank sweet baby jesus with vodka mini bottles I was on a red eye and had not been drinking...I had my passport and "landing card" ready to be presented to local border patrol when I looked over and knew my fate was fucked harder than a gazelle during mating season...I was called to the window and was tagged teamed by 2 women asking such personal questions I didn't know if I was at the airport or Planned Parenthood...I was asked to sit down while my situation was being reviewed by an immigration officer and I was going to go through a "process"...I would have rather been yhguuuuuuuuuuuuu6t5 (sorry Chicken stepped on keyboard while I was getting a peanut butter sandwich) given pap smear by Freddy Kreuger than even think about what was going to happen...the questions they asked where apropos of nothing, but I felt so backed into a corner I just wanted to blurt out "yes I killed my roommate" Amanda Knox style...but I held my shit together until I went in the bathroom and thew up like a Delta Zeta on Pledge Night...my next step was being questioned about "who I was staying with", "what I did for a living" etc...when I said Kathleen Mayer was my "Business Partner", the lovely devil women asked if she was my "sleeping partner"...again, thank the little sweet baby jesus there was no alcohol coursing through my veins, and with the straightest face I pull together said "no, although my Mother would think differently"...they were not amused. The second (or 5th) part of the process was going through my luggage with two officers...at this point, I wasn't quite sure why I was close to being denied entry...I know I am half Lebanese and one waxing appointment from being on the No-Fly-List, but why the hell now? Did I buy hash on the plane without realizing it? Did I have illegal fruit in my Louis Vuitton bag I forgot about? For a nano second I thought about running on foot with my newly polished Bally boots and being taken down "suicide by cop" would be easier than border patrol finding my vibrator in the bowels of my perfectly packed bag...
Oh, it's late and Golden Girls are on...TBC tomorrow.